| Letting Go Isn't Always Easy |
By: Jane Irwin, Alternative Family Columnist
On 12/11/05
On occasion, parenting can seem like a relentless, thankless task. From baby to adolescent, we are at our children’s beck and call: cooking, homework, school drop-offs, and – at this time of year – the multitude of holiday preparations, traditions and gifts.
| "It's a dangerous, unpredictable world – we all know that. But keeping our children wrapped in cotton wool only increases the hazards later on." |
At times we all long for a day off and start to veer down pre-procreational memory lane, when everything was so much simpler and calmer. But, as we know all too well, parenting isn't a job, it's a way of life. And, while we all want our kids to grow-up and become well-adjusted, independent adults, accepting their autonomy and the hard truth that one day they won’t need us as much as they used to, isn't an easy adjustment to make.
For the first fifteen-or-so years of our children’s lives, we spend the bulk of our time tending to their needs and activities: playing with them, teaching them about the world, and watching them grow. But, seemingly out of nowhere, teenage hormones start to kick-in., and all of a sudden, Mom and Dad are not quite so cool, nor the advice source for all things worldly. Before we know it, they don't want to eat our food, or even sit down with us at mealtimes.
Worse still, they start to think that they're independent all-knowing adults, when we know that they just aren’t there yet. And it's difficult to let them get on with it and make a few mistakes, despite knowing it's the only way they'll become self-reliant. It's a dangerous, unpredictable world – we all know that. But keeping our children wrapped in cotton wool only increases the hazards later on. As they learn how to pull away, we ourselves must learn when to reel in and redirect… and when to let go.
Last week, I asked a friend of mine what she was doing for the holidays. "I don’t bother with it so much anymore, really,” she said. “It's not the same now that the kids have grown-up."
Well, they're not grown-ups quite yet. They are teenagers, starting to find their own paths and doing things their own way. But gone are the days of putting out milk and cookies for Santa. They don’t stay up all night, bubbling with excitement on Christmas Eve, wondering what their stockings will hold, anymore.
Don't get me wrong. My friend adores her kids. They are fabulously responsible young women. But sometimes it's hard for her to accept that they don't need her, or the family traditions, like they used to.
I have five siblings, and, as adults, we hardly ever go home for Christmas at the same time, though that's likely the greatest gift my mom could ask for. I know she misses the days when were all crammed around the dining table, having waited hours and hours for our food.
When we do come together, her cooking and looking after us makes her feel needed, and reestablishes her as the matriarch of her aging brood. She’s not just making a meal. She is performing a ritual – a time honored, finely tuned tradition that comes to life the minute we walk in the door.
I remember when my first niece was born. It was like a new lease of life for my parents. Their eyes sparkled when she came tumbling into the room. She brought a newfound energy to our family, and Christmas became exciting again. But now she's grown-up herself, and so the cycle goes.
Kids have to grow-up, to individuate, and learn to go about it alone. Parents need to take a step back and loosen the reigns, while being allowed to mourn the loss that comes with. During the holidays, though, sometimes the worlds can meet halfway. Aging parents can rekindle the lessons and traditions that mean so much, and their children can relearn what they hope to pass onto their own brood. Even if that means someone has to don a reindeer sweater while stuffing themselves with roast turkey every now and again.
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