| Divorce: Should We Stay for the Sake of the Children? |
By: Jane Irwin, Alternative Family Columnist
On 11/19/05
Is it better to stay in a failing relationship or start a new life?
Marriage may be romantic, but in reality it doesn't always last. In fact, nearly 40% of marriages end in divorce. Whatever the reason for the relationship breakdown, one thing's for sure: once you have children, deciding whether to stay or go is all the more arduous.
| "Whether we choose to stay in an unhappy relationship, or separate knowing it will break up the family unit – there's no escaping the guilt factor." |
Since the 1950s, the divorce rate has risen substantially. Maybe we've become a nation of commitment-phobics who run a mile when the going gets tough, or maybe we've just learned to expect more out of marriage. After all, women are now more economically empowered and able to make choices that were almost impossible fifty years ago.
Following the establishment of 'no fault' legal clause, whereby neither party has to establish the wrong doing of the other, it's now easier than ever to get divorced. But making the final move to divorce court is no easy task, albeit emotionally or financially.
Should you stay in either an abusive, destructive, or loveless relationship for the sake of your children, or leave and start a new life? No matter how much you want or need to make the break, when children are involved it's not simply a question of individual needs. Often, it's a practical process of weighing up the odds.
Unless you have financial independence being a single parent is a difficult road to travel. How do you pay for the school trips, the college fund, the vacations, the car or the mortgage? There are no guarantees your ex will subsidize either the luxuries or necessities. A friend of mine struggled for years to get child maintenance from her ex-husband. While he moved on to a new life, she was literally left holding the baby.
Outside of the practical issues, there are also the psychological effects to consider.
Both parents would need to choose to rise above the parental tug-of-love and avoid the custodial battle that often ensues. This means seeing children more than every other weekend, and listening to their concerns. Of course, it's not always easy or even possible to remain amicable with an ex- partner, and kids often feel the brunt of their parents’ marital baggage.
Bringing up a family alone, without the support and respite of a co-parent, is emotionally draining. There are no breaks and there are many questions about the kids’ well being: Who are they with? What time will they be back? Have they eaten properly? Have they done their homework?
According to Hillary Clinton in her book, It Takes A Village, "Children living with one parent or in step-families are two to three times more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems as children living in two-parent families."
It's not easy for children to see their parents separated. Many feel a sense of loss when both parents aren't involved in their day-to-day life. Many feel that they're missing out on a real family experience.
However not every family unit is happy one. Sometimes parents who stay together expose children to the negative side of a bad relationship and that can have an equally detrimental affect.
Is it better to see a couple constantly fighting or to have a stable, single-parent household? There are no simple answers to this complicated issue, but as parents, we do set the behavioral agenda of what it means to be healthy family.
Whether we choose to stay in an unhappy relationship, or separate knowing it will break up the family unit – there's no escaping the guilt factor. It is worth remembering that children can feel guilty that their parents stayed together for them, or guilty that they pushed them apart. Either way, it's impossible to protect children from every emotional upset or variable.
Surely there has to be a balance between providing a stable family environment while also achieving our own personal happiness? But at the end of day, we weigh up the odds, make a choice and hope that it's the right one.
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