| Healing the broken hearts of childhood |
By: Tara J. DeRosa, Columnist, “A Child’s Internal World”
On 1/29/06
I will never forget my first broken heart. On my 11th birthday, the boy who I had a crush on told me, rather unceremoniously, that he preferred my best friend, who, incidentally, didn’t like me much either.
| " Children who have a number of supports – in terms of peers, family, and healthy activities – build what social scientists call “Resilience.'" |
I spent most of that day curled on my bed, sobbing, sure that my life was over. My mother, to her credit, just held my hand in silence.
As a mother myself now, I can imagine how hard it was for her, and for every other parent, to watch their child suffer the pain of being “left” by their peers.
What is it about children that make them change peer groups and friends so quickly? And what gives some children the ability to roll with the punches while others grieve terribly for every lost friendship?
In the early childhood years, children end friendships for what seems like minor, though concrete, infractions. “I don’t like Robert anymore. He threw sand.” Pre-schoolers forgive at different rates – perhaps based on the longevity of their memory – and “left” peers can quickly become best friends with the dawning of a new day.
As children get older, their reasons for forming and ending peer relationships grows more complex. A new friend is made, replacing the old friend; someone moves closer, or farther away; interests change; what was once considered important – an affinity for “Dora the Explorer” for example – is set aside for other matters – the ability to play a certain sport, dress a certain way, provide an important perk of association. Whether gradual or abrupt, these “break-ups” frequently leave one or more parties devastated.
A child’s ability to withstand a broken heart depends a great deal on the breadth of support he has in his life. A child with many interests, friends, and a supportive, loving family will come back more quickly from a lost friendship than will the child who has little else to fall back on. In spite of the importance of this, however, the impact of a child’s temperament cannot be denied. Some children will suffer acutely with every rejection, and this just seems to be the way they are made. As parents, however, we can do a great deal to mitigate our child’s suffering.
Empathize – Honestly: Resist the urge to minimize your child’s experience. Offering platitudes like “This was just puppy love” or “You’ll have lots of other friends” NEVER helps. Remember a time as an adult when you suffered disappointment and your feelings were minimized by someone important to you. Did trite comments help? Not likely. So what makes us think they will help our children? Tell your kids how sorry you are, how much you love them. Anything except for why they should not feel what they are feeling.
Don’t Overreact: Just as minimizing will not help your child feel better, becoming distraught yourself is not likely to make them feel any better. As a parent, I understand the urge to avenge a hurt child, but doing so not only sets a bad example; it serves to make the child even more upset. Why? Because now he gets to feel guilty for how upset you are and this will lead him to blame himself for the hurt he is feeling.
Provide a shoulder, and an ear: As adults, we are often so intent on fixing a problem that we forget how valuable it is just to provide silent comfort. In this case, we need to let go of our need to “fix” the broken heart (we can’t) and instead provide the balm that only a parent’s love can provide. The balm of quiet acceptance in a soft, safe place where they can retreat and heal from the wounds of the world.
Build Supports: Children who have a number of supports – in terms of peers, family, and healthy activities – build what social scientists call “Resilience.” This is the ability to “bounce back” from adversity and emerge stronger when faced with challenges. Begin when your child is young to help him develop resilience. The first, and perhaps most important, way to do this is through creating a loving family, in whatever form that takes. Attach your child to caring relatives, to extended family, to a community that he can turn to in times of trouble. For many families, this comes with attending a church or civic organization; for others through including their children in their circle of friends and relatives. The more a child receives loving support, the less likely he is to internalize a peer “break-up” as proof of his own flaws. The more people he has to turn to when hurt, the more quickly he will heal from the wound he has suffered.
Children also need the internal support that only comes through self-discovery, challenge, and accomplishment. Help your child to discover what it is that is important to him – art? music? soccer? volunteering? – and help him to engage in this on a regular basis. In doing so, he will develop a sense of self that will not only minimize his hurt, but will also serve to make good peer-related decisions throughout his growing up years.
It is hard to believe, when our children are babies, that their eyes will ever show hurt, yet every parent has a moment when they realize that someday their child will be teased or left-out. That moment is usually accompanied by a fierce desire to protect them, at all costs.
As we grow along with our children, however, we realize that shielding them from all hurt is not only hopeless, but also undesirable. It is hurt that, in many ways, allows us to feel great joy. The key to “protecting” our children – for lack of a better word – is to teach them how to cope with life’s broken hearts, not by running from them, but by leaning on those who love us, and by garnering our internal strength to heal, and ultimately, to grow stronger.
|
|
|
|
