| Then there’s the Big Stuff: Helping our kids when life throws a curve |
By: Tara J. DeRosa, Ph.D., Columnist, “A Child’s Internal World”
On 2/8/06
My son has been reluctant to sit on my lap of late, concerned that he will hurt me. Despite my protestations, he wants only to sit next to me. At night, he takes out his book about the human body, but when I try and talk to him about it, he changes the subject, shaking his head.
| "Resist the temptation to radically alter your daily life. Even one component of your usual routine – say, eating dinner together – can go a long way towards restoring a feeling of confidence for your children." |
I’m having surgery in a few days. I was tempted to explain my impending absence with a fabricated business trip followed by a bout with the flu. He is at that age now, though, that he hears everything, and sees all the strife we try so hard to hide. Lying to him would only undermine all those honesty lectures I work so hard to deliver, so I’m going with the truth, balancing on the line between candor and discretion.
All the parents I know (myself included) wish our children would never have to stray from the safe world of childhood. Life has a way of interfering with our plans, though – by slapping us with money troubles, health issues, job stress, aging parents, divorce –inadvertently, teaching your child how to handle the Big Stuff that comes with life.
Face it, children pretty much learn on their own how to handle the Fun Stuff – birthday parties, holiday presents – and the Everyday Stuff – getting to school, raising their hands before speaking. It is by watching their parents that they learn how to handle the Big Stuff. Problem is, how do we help them deal with the Big Stuff when it is our Big Stuff, and when we are still learning how to deal with it ourselves?
Quit putting on a happy face: I believe – with no real basis in scientific fact – that we are molecularly connected to our parents. Parents who put on a happy face for the kids teach only that ignoring feelings is more important than dealing with them. Trouble is, those feelings come back to greet us. If we keep pushing them away, they will find ways to make themselves known. Usually, these involve mechanisms far more painful and destructive than whatever the Big Stuff was originally. It’s why there are so many eating disorder specialists and substance abuse counselors in the world.
Be present: Stop trying to outrun your life. Teach your children that it is okay to be who they are, where they are. This does not mean you don’t try and solve the problem – cutting up the credit cards, taking up mediation – it means you stop trying to bury it.
I tend to scrub the house relentlessly when stressed, a good example of the human attempt to stay one step to the side of a problem. In reality, though, there is not enough bleach in the world to remove my need for surgery. And, in the end, that has to be okay. Not because I like it, but because it is where I am.
Teaching your children that you – and they – can continue with life in the midst of the Big Stuff is a life skill that will serve them well. Actually, don’t you wish someone had taught you?
Create a container: Stress has a way of filling up whatever space you give it and Big Stuff is like a tsunami, altering everything in its path. For children, this is especially true, as they have not yet developed the coping skills necessary to keep it at bay. They will creep out of their rooms at night to talk about it, fail to concentrate at school, worry a path in the carpet. This is somewhat alleviated if you can help them create a container for their feelings. For young kids, drawing a picture is a remarkable way to deal with their worries. “Serial Drawing” is even more effective. Each day, ask the child to draw a picture and watch how the worries evolve. The remarkable thing is when a solution – not necessarily to the problem, but to the constant worry – appears in the drawing.
Let them see it resolved: Because parents are overwhelmingly busy in their daily lives, we do our problem solving at night, after the kids have gone to bed. This is unfortunate because our children miss it. Suddenly, we have stopped talking about the problem, but they don’t know why. In the light of day, share your solutions with them. Tell them how you decided to solve the problem, or the next step of it anyway. This will turn the crisis into a triumph as they file away the knowledge that everything can be solved, given enough time and effort.
Put it in context: Children, even those in their teens, have very little ability to see past the present. This is a wonderful gift of childhood, to be able to exist only in the moment. If the moment is dreadful, however, this gift quickly becomes a curse. Adults often survive by imagining life after the crisis is over. Help your children do this by painting a mental picture for them. Schedule future vacations, projects and outings so they get the message that life will go on.
Embrace the mundane: Big stuff is unsettling. Creating routine is perhaps the most important way to remind our children that the majority of life can remain separate from the crisis. Set the table, do the laundry, play a game of cards. Resist the temptation to radically alter your daily life. Even one component of your usual routine – say, eating dinner together – can go a long way towards restoring a feeling of confidence for your children.
The Big Stuff is here to stay, but, with enough effort you can convince your children that, no matter how big the Big Stuff gets, it is never bigger than your strength, or your love.
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