| Raising a Thankful Child |
By: Tara J. DeRosa, Ph.D., Columnist, “A Child’s Internal World”
On 12/24/05
The Thanksgiving ritual was always the same. Before the turkey was carved, we would go around the table, expressing gratitude for our many gifts and blessings. Somebody always wound up teary-eyed and earned a year full of teasing as a result. The year I was pregnant with my son, that person was me.
| "The ability to see the world through another’s eyes, otherwise known as empathy, is a cornerstone of gratitude." |
Then, three babies were born in my social circle in a single year, and the ritual changed. That first Thanksgiving, it happened in fits and starts, as the parents in the crowd alternated between giving thanks and walking, rocking, burping and feeding the new bundles.
By the second year, we were expressing thanks for things like disposable wipes and uninterrupted sleep as the children clamored for our attention… and pie. By year three, we were being interrupted by whines of “I’m bored! I don’t like this brown stuff! Why are we eating dinner so early?” and had become convinced that what was once the object of my profound gratitude had failed to develop any of his own.
Developing gratitude in children, particularly young ones, is challenging because, developmentally, they see the world as existing only for their benefit. Until age seven or so, children feel entitled to receive everything they are given, and are demanding when they don’t receive. It is possible, however, to introduce the concept of gratitude to even very young children, not necessarily with the goal of changing their current behavior, but as a defense against raising a child who carries this self-centered view into adulthood.
Practice Gratitude:
Let’s face it, your children are never going to learn gratitude if all they ever hear is you bellyaching about wanting more and better toys. Express aloud all that makes you happy – a warm home, plenty of food, a family who loves you. Some families find success in a daily ritual of gratitude expression while others are more comfortable with a spontaneous approach. Hearing you express thankfulness will help your child understand the concept of gratitude.
Teach Empathy:
The ability to see the world through another’s eyes, otherwise known as empathy, is a cornerstone of gratitude. Until he understands what the world is like from someone else’s perspective, a child is incapable of feeling thankful. Therefore, it is important to encourage empathic impulses through kind gestures like making a picture for a sick friend, or offering a toy to a crying baby. This teaches children that other people have feelings and that their actions have an impact on those around them. In addition, the thanks they receive will encourage them to continue this pro-social behavior.
Take the gentle approach
While reminders can help children learn to say please and thank you (i.e., “What’s the magic word?” or “What do you say?”) punishing them for failing to remember will likely delay the development of true gratitude. You may be tempted to withhold a gift until your child has properly thanked the giver, but this approach will only foster resentment.
If your young child refuses to say thank-you, simply thank the giver for him and then revisit the issue later, when you are alone. Tell him that saying thank-you for a gift makes the giver feel good and then role-play the scenario with your child until he is clear on the concept.
Consider your Child
Both temperament and circumstance plays into how grateful a child may appear. Some children don’t say an appropriate thank-you not because they are being defiant, but because they are reluctant to talk to adults at all. Shyness plays a big part in this and these children may feel much more comfortable writing a thank-you note, or drawing a picture. It does not really matter how the gratitude is expressed, only that it is.
Curiously, situations in which a child is overwhelmed with an overabundance of gifts (Christmas and Birthdays chief among them) can lead to an apparent lack of gratitude. Tired, hungry, sugar-filled and overwhelmed, children tend to focus on the negative. Suddenly, the gifts are not enough, and complaining sets in. “I wanted the green fire truck...the new iPod...the talking doll...” Resist the temptation to threaten or argue – it will only fall on deaf ears anyway. Instead, take a break from the action for a quieter pursuit such as a walk and a healthy meal.
Encourage Service
Making cards for nursing home residents, choosing a toy for a less-fortunate child or helping you deliver food baskets are good places to start encouraging service. As children get older, involve them in volunteer activities such as community clean-ups or regular shifts at a soup kitchen. Of course, the best way to encourage this is by participating yourself, but I didn’t have to tell you that, did I?
Make them objects of gratitude
Feeling loved, cared for and appreciated, is the necessary prerequisite to the development of gratitude. Tell them often how thankful you are that they came into your life. Remind them of the joy they bring; look into their eyes and tell them you are the luckiest mom or dad in the world. In doing so, they will develop a sense of their own worth in the world; only then can they begin to develop a sense of gratitude towards others.
|
|
|
|
