| More than Bumper Stickers: Building a Positive Self-Concept |
By: Tara J. DeRosa, Ph.D., Columnist, Child’s Internal World
On 12/17/05
The stickers are everywhere – “My Child Was Student of the Month” – “My Child is an Honor Student” – each proclaiming the same message – “My kid is an achiever!” There are so many of these, in fact, that they have given rise to a series of offspring:
| "The most crucial aspect of self-esteem for children is the experience of being valued by the important adults in their lives." |
From the politically correct – “Every Child is an Honored Student” to the bitter – “My Kid Could Beat Up Your Honor Student”.
As a society, it seems that we insist on super-achievement while at the same time cheapening true accomplishment by treating a positive self-concept as a commodity to be purchased with the currency of effusive praise.
As I step down off my soapbox, I am reminded of the somewhat outdated philosophy that guards against any kind of expression of approval lest our children become “lazy.” Surely there must be some middle ground between no praise and the syrupy, “We’re all super!” nonsense we pile on kids today. After all, doesn’t it seem that we are setting them up for a terrific fall the first time their boss chews them out? Are they really going to get promoted based on being able to affirm “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone-it people like me” a la Al Franken’s Saturday Night Live character? While we certainly don’t want to deride our children’s efforts – by, say, harping on the “B” on a report card of “A”’s, we need to be real in our praise of our children.
“Without a positive self-concept,” says Jan Gordon, who writes for Ohio University Online, “our children may fail to try new things, may experience peer and other relationship problems, and may refuse to challenge themselves. Just telling them they are great, however, is neither sufficient nor effective.”
In fact, false praise – the kind that puts rhetoric over true recognition, may actually lead to a lower self-concept by changing the very experience of accomplishment. First, children stop valuing the praise. Then, paradoxically, they come to expect it constantly. Finally, and most tragically, they fail to experience their own feelings about what they have done, relying instead on an external perspective to validate their accomplishments.
The end result? Their choices and action become about earning praise, rather than meeting their own goals. When the praise disappears – and it always does - the ability to set goals, and the resultant self-esteem, goes right along with it. The key, then, is to help children develop a positive self-concept that is based on their own values, accomplishments and sense of what is important. In other words, to guide them in deciding what makes them proud while challenging them to continuously grow.
Give opportunities for success, and failure:
Yes, failure. Let’s use teaching a child to eat with utensils as the example. The first few (or in my case, several) attempts were messy, futile affairs that resulted in a gooey baby and sticky floors. Did we give up and go back to the bottle, never to try again? Given the absence of 8-year-olds drinking milk from a bottle in our nation’s cafeterias, I would venture to say the vast majority of us kept on encouraging our children to try, allowing them to fail, and ultimately to be successful. Like a curious Yin-Yang, there can be no success without failure. Learning to handle both is a key ingredient in healthy self-esteem.
“Encourage” more than “Praise”
The difference between the two has to do with focus. Encouragement focuses on acknowledging the specific effort or achievement, while praise focuses on a general expression of approval (think – “Good Girl!”).
I once read that you should never tell your child that he is “great” or, worse yet, “perfect” because it is vague, does not specify any behavior, and is essentially meaningless. For most of us, though, dizzy in love with our children, “No Praise” is an impossible standard.
There are times, when my son has just dressed himself (shirt on backwards, messy hair) and runs out of his room to leap in my lap, that I cannot help but cover his face with kisses and tell him how he is, truly, the most perfect child in all the world. While this is not about building his self-concept (Heaven help me if he actually believes he is perfect!) I hardly believe it is meaningless. After all, that place where we exist as children to our parents should be about love, rather than accomplishment.
When a child is working a difficult math problem, or reading a complicated passage, specific encouragement - “That puzzle had 60 pieces and you put it together without help! You must feel so proud” or “You are really working hard on your reading!” - is more valuable than simply saying “Good job.” Encouragement turns the attention to their specific effort or accomplishment, rather than how we, as parents, feel about what they have done.
Keep expectations unique and realistic
This is especially important if you have multiple children. Sally may have a talent for mathematics, but if Mike doesn’t and you insist he become an investment banker, you (and worse yet, he) may miss out on his affinity for creative writing. Where do you think all the mid-life crises come from?
The most crucial aspect of self-esteem for children is the experience of being valued by the important adults in their lives. You can help your child experience this by acknowledging and respecting who he is as an individual. If she loves snakes, her to the library to learn more about them. A fascination with origami? Sign him up for a class and sit with him while he creates. These simple steps will do more to form a positive self-concept than all the “You’re Super” comments ever will.
Valuing your child’s unique perspective sends the message that you value and love him all the more for the person he is; even as it differs from the person you had once dreamt he would be.
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