| Far Away Families and the Holidays |
By: Alternative Family Columnist, Jane Irwin
On 10/29/05
Distance becomes all the more apparent as the festive season approaches.
The holiday season is family time, when our nearest and dearest expect us home for the festive family reunion. Which is not so complicated when your family is local, but what happens if they live on the other side of the country or even a different continent?
| "During the Holidays the need to be with our family becomes all the more manifest. And being far away only intensifies the emotional dependency." |
Traveling long-distance with a family is not always practical or possible - especially during the festive season when air fares are twice the price. Nowadays, the corners of our world stretch much further than the end of street, or city limits of our hometown. And, as more of us move further away from our family networks for work, or otherwise, the generational unity of our clans is becoming increasingly fragmented.
For many parents, the Holidays are all about the children, and this doesn't change because we grow up and move away. And when we do move away, bonds built on shared experience between grandparents and grandkids can't remain firm when a visit is just once a year.
My mom was a secondary parent to my sister's children. She changed their diapers, fed them, disciplined them, laughed with them, but more importantly she got to know them. Having moved here from the UK, I may not have that luxury. I know that when I become a parent the bonds that tie me to home will become more prominent and the distance more difficult to reconcile. More than anything, I want my children to know my mom, experience her wisdom and love her as I do.
Of course, you can't have everything in life. On the one-hand, my mom is happy that I’ve traveled, met a great partner, and have a good life. On the other hand, especially now in her retirement years, she feels the loss of not being geographically closer to two of her children (my brother lives in Canada). "I wouldn't want you living on the same street," she said once, "but I wish you both hadn't moved so far away."
And sometimes so do I, but I know I'm only ten hours away, and that I can go home two or three times a year. Somehow, however, the psychological distance seems much greater than the geographical, no matter how you spin it.
A childhood friend of mine immigrated to Australia a few years ago. Recently, she took a five-week trip back to the UK with her children. After the vacation, she returned to her new life knowing that she wouldn't make another trip home for at least five years. For me that would be untenable, for my mom it would be unbearable.
During the Holidays the need to be with our family becomes all the more manifest. And being far away only intensifies the emotional dependency. I've lived in the US for four years, and it's not that I don't miss my family throughout the year, but there's something about Christmas that unleashes the missing-ness, largely buried from day-to-day life. The Holidays reminds us of bygone days, loved ones passed, and moments that we've missed or will miss: weddings, birthdays, christenings, or simply visiting your parents on a whim.
We all make our own path in life, some of us move to the other side of the country, some of us move to a new country all together. Moving means missing out on day-to-day family experiences and those special celebrations we hold so dear. Maybe we put too much nostalgic impetus on the Holidays. Either way, you can't deny the emotional pull of the season of good will, or the smile our attendance would bring to our families far away.
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