| Seeking Connection: Kids and Gangs |
By: Tara J. DeRosa, Ph.D., Columnist, “A Child’s Internal World”
On 1/21/06
It is a quest as old as time – the search for belonging, for connection to something beyond ourselves. Rooted in the simple, but undeniable belief that there is emotional and physical strength in numbers, this quest had led us to form nations, create families and find all manner of ways to join together in community.
| "Tell your child every day that the family is a place where, no matter what, he will always be accepted and welcomed." |
The drive for connectedness leads to many great things – a commitment to our fellow human beings, a sense that we must somehow make the world better for those around us. Left untended and unfulfilled, however, this longing can, and often does, lead our children to seek out connection to any group that will have them; for many this means affiliating with a street gang.
Far from an initial desire to commit crime, the vast majority of youth who join gangs do so as a way of forming a connection to something, to anything, to anyone.
Though street gangs are not a new phenomenon – reports date back to the “wild” West – their numbers have increased dramatically in the last 30 years. The notorious “Crips” gang, founded in Los Angeles in the early 1970’s, now exists in 42 states and South Africa (Ref: www.Tookie.com).
The sociological contributions to gang proliferation and activity are far too complex to address in a column of this length. Without minimizing these factors, Dr. Deborah Prothrow-Stith, author of Deadly Consequences (1991), asserts that “street gangs are popular simply because they meet the basic needs of youth for connectivity and community.” It follows that children who do not have these needs met by their families are more likely to join a gang.
As parents, we can help our children avoid gang involvement through the understanding of some basic needs that exist irrespective of social, economic, or cultural factors. These core needs are what lead our children to seek out a tribe, for better or for worse, and, paradoxically, these are the same things that provide us, as parents, with the opportunity to help our children make good and positive peer group choices.
More complex than simply monitoring their activities – a necessary element to be sure – helping your child avoid gangs or other negative peer group influences involves meeting these needs first within the family, providing your child with the strength to enter the world as a whole person.
Children need to belong: It is a basic human need – to know who you are, and, perhaps most importantly, whose you are. Children, beginning at a very young age, constantly ask about their connection to family. They talk about who lives in their house, compare notes with peers and ask endless questions of their parents until they understand the nature of their first tribe. My little one melted my heart one day when, at barely three years old, he said, “Mommy is my mommy. Daddy is my daddy. Grandma is my grandma. That is a family.”
Children need a recognized identity: Belonging to almost any peer group can provide a young person with a sense of recognition. It’s easy to see why communities that have no opportunities for youth to join together are more likely to witness a proliferation of gang activity (Lees, M.H., Deen, M., Parker, L. Research Review: Gang Violence and Prevention. www.focusas.com).
Gangs have colors and symbols for the purpose of providing a recognized identity for their members. Ideally, all communities should provide their youth with positive opportunities for recognition. In this age of budget cuts, however, this is not an immediate likelihood.
We can begin by giving our family an identity. Think about, and communicate, who you are as a family, what you believe in. Is it religion? Service to community? Respect for nature? Decide and then engage in activities that allow you to express your beliefs. Ultimately, this family identity will help a child to develop his individual identity.
Children need a moral structure: Keep in mind that I use the word “moral” without any specific ideology attached. Even the most cursory study of gangs reveals that their world is rooted in good (the gang) versus evil (the outsiders).
Children growing up without any sort of moral compass are attracted to this clear code. Such structure can be found in any number of philosophies, both formal and informal.
Imparting a moral structure can begin at a very young age, with the basics. For example, simple phrases such as “We do not hit in our family” impact a young child in two ways: By setting a standard for behavior and, perhaps more importantly, letting him know that his first tribe has a compass he can use to navigate the tricky waters of childhood.
Children need love and acceptance: Read or listen to interviews with former and current gang members and you will likely hear that the gang is the first place they ever felt truly accepted for who they were. Many gang-involved youth grew up hearing that they would amount to nothing, that they were no good, that no matter what, they would never belong. If you’re reading this, you likely already know that this is not a good parenting strategy.
Tell your child every day that the family is a place where, no matter what, he will always be accepted and welcomed. Draw clear distinctions about the kind of behavior that will not be accepted, while emphasizing that you are always willing to wipe the slate clean, start again, and welcome him into your sheltering arms. Let him know, from the moment he is born, that your love is not about deserving, it simply is.
By becoming our child’s first, and most influential, link to community, by providing that sense of belonging, connection and meaning first within our families, we can begin to mitigate the risk factors that lead children to seek out that connection elsewhere, no matter what the cost. Irrespective of the societal factors, we parents can create individual families where our children can retreat from the world into the warm embrace of love, acceptance, and ultimate connectedness.
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