| Kids’ Quirks – The troublesome versus the merely odd |
By: Tara J. DeRosa, Ph.D., Columnist, “Child’s Internal World”
On 12/31/05
My son loves tape. Masking tape, Scotch tape, packing tape, electrical tape, you name it. If it has a sticky side, it will keep him busy for hours. The other day, I walked into his room to find him sitting on his bed with his arms and legs wrapped in gift wrapping tape as he stared, mesmerized, at his fingers while he opened and closed them over the gummy surface.
| "As parents we have an image of what our children will be like, and our kids never turn out exactly as we planned." |
I watched him for a moment and was struck by the image of him sitting on that bed at age 35, still wrapped in tape, unable to function in a society filled with largely non-sticky surfaces. I had joined the club of countless parents who wonder, at one time or another, “Is my kid weird?”
The issue of quirky behavior patterns is addressed by Drs. Perri Klass and Eileen Costello, in their book Quirky Kids: Understanding and Helping Your Child Who Doesn’t Fit In – When to Worry and When Not to Worry (Ballentine Books, 2003). The authors address how to determine if a child’s behavior is indicative of a deeper issue requiring intervention, what various diagnoses mean, and how to best cope with the challenges of raising a “Quirky” child.
What exactly is a “Quirky” child? Falling somewhere between eccentric and developmentally impaired, the quirky child is the kid who doesn’t quite fit; who misses social cues most children understand; who excels in one academic subject while failing the others; who just seems slightly out of the realm of typical.
Parents raising these children are faced with a multitude of challenges, often not addressed in traditional parenting texts. First and foremost, is the feeling of disappointment they may experience, but be reluctant to admit for fear of being seen as a “bad” parent. In addition, parents of quirky kids are often inundated with contradictory theories and advice from well-meaning friends and relatives, leaving both parent and child more isolated, confused and concerned.
At some point, all parents worry that their child is quirky, even if a different label is used. Like me with the tape incident, all parents experience the panic of viewing their child through society’s eyes and wondering if he will ever really “fit in.” For some, this concern is ongoing and spans a wide range of situations. If this is true for you, consider taking the following steps:
Keep a Record
If your concerns are frequent and ongoing, the first step is to document the behavior and the specific situations in which it occurs. You may find that the troublesome behavior occurs only in one setting (restaurants, for example) or only at specific times of day. This record will help you see the situation objectively, as well as serving as a valuable history should you decide to seek professional help.
Talk to a Professional
If you continue to feel concerned after some careful observation, make an appointment with your pediatrician. Take two copies of your behavioral record with you – give one to the doctor and keep one for yourself to reference during the conversation. The doctor may recommend some at-home interventions before pursuing a specialist. If you feel that your concerns fall on deaf ears, or you are being asked to wait when all your parental instincts are telling you to act, be persistent and insist on an immediate referral to a mental health professional.
Be Pragmatic
Traditional “talk therapy” may be unsuccessful for many children struggling with a quirky personality. Most of the time, these quirks are not the result of trauma or bad parenting, but of an inborn, little understood, component of personality. Explore options from physical and occupational therapy to language and social skills training.
I once counseled a family whose 7-year-old son ran screaming from his classroom any time his peers sang “Happy Birthday.” Quirky? Sure. Treatable? Absolutely… but not by me. An Occupational Therapist had him singing along in no time; all the talk in the world would not have solved this problem.
Support Yourself
Parenting a quirky child is challenging enough. When you add in evaluations, meetings with professionals and contradictory advice, it can become downright overwhelming. Read everything you can, seek out support groups, and train yourself to be an advocate. The more skills you develop, the more you can help your child.
Embrace the Quirks
So your child would rather watch the washing machine than Dora the Explorer and wants to collect bugs instead of playing soccer with the neighborhood kids. As parents we have an image of what our children will be like, and our kids never turn out exactly as we planned.
Recognizing that we all learn and understand the world differently can be helpful both in accepting and in helping your quirky child. Once you stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole, you are able to seek out alternative and creative solutions to your child’s needs. For example, the “computer geek” who has trouble both socially and academically in a traditional educational setting may well thrive in both areas if placed in a school environment that embraces his style.
The world is full of “quirky” kids that grow up to be “quirky” adults --- adults who live full, productive lives. Where would we be without the scientists who would rather talk to test tubes than people? Or the inventors who dared to dream what everyone else thought was pure nonsense? We weren’t meant to be all the same anyway. The key to working with a child’s quirks is to help him find his place in the world, even if that means carving out a little known corner you never knew existed.
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