| Career and Kids: Can we really have it all? |
By: Jane Irwin, Alternative Family Columnist
On 11/26/05
Many of us, at some point in our coupled lives, decide to have kids. Some of us take the parental plunge at our 20-something, pro-creational peak and some of us wait until the right time; once we've established a career,...
| "Since 1980, the number of working mothers with children under six has increased by 35%. And as long as you can afford the day care, why not." |
gained financial independence and had enough relationship mileage under our belts to justify bringing another life into the world.
And whilst waiting can offer greater stability, it can also make the transition to family life even more difficult. Especially when deliberating whether to become a stay at home parent or not.
Many of us have a preconceived idea of how we plan to handle parenthood. For some, staying at home is unquestionably the way to go; for others it entails juggling a career or sometimes the second income that makes ends meet. Choice, after all, is not a luxury everyone can afford.
Personally, I want it all. I want to be a great parent, keep the career that enables my financial freedom, and still maintain a modicum of my intellectual faculties along the way. In reality, I know it’s not that simple.
Even the most career minded of mothers, despite prior proclamations to the contrary, find it difficult to return to work after giving birth. Passing on the day-to-day care of a new born child to a virtual stranger, or even a family member, can be emotionally wrenching. And suddenly, the job and the hustle and bustle of working, means nothing compared to the bundle of diaper demanding joy sitting on your lap.
Of course, there’s no financial reimbursement for changing diapers, cleaning the house, or doing the washing, which can often be demoralizing. Additionally, staying at home removes parents from day-to-day adult interaction and stimuli.
A friend of mine swore she lost the ability to speak anything but ga-ga during her first two years as a stay at home mom. In hindsight, she thinks it was a primal, intellectual shutdown that enabled her to deal with the day-to-day rudimentary tasks of parenthood.
Ok, so staying at home and providing one-to parent child attention, according to some studies, is meant to enhance a child’s development, but at the end of the day a theory is just a theory. And the quantity of time spent isn’t necessarily conducive with positive interaction. Moreover, it depends what you do with your child when you do see them.
Both my sister-in-law and my brother work full time, so their youngest child goes to day care. For the record, he's a happy, gregarious, smart child, who is clearly aware of his parents and the guidelines they provide. Invariably, every family has its own individual issues, just as every parent makes their own choice in terms of what’s best for their family.
So, for one reason or another, some of us decide to go back to work after having children. In fact, since 1980, the number of working mothers with children under six has increased by 35%. And as long as you can afford the day care, why not.
In my no doubt illusory plan, I want it all. I want to come home after work and spend quality dual-parent time with my kid rather than handing him or her over to my partner for the evening shift. I don’t want to feel resentful because I’m in the house all day, or guilty that I don’t cook dinner every night, or don’t have the house quite clean enough. And more importantly I want to retain my identity – the me beyond motherhood. But at the end of the day it’s just an ideal that may never transition to reality.
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