| We Are Family: Why should being same-sex parents cause such a cultural and political fuss?
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By: Jane Irwin, The Alternative Family Columnist
On 10/23/05
Being a parent is arguably the most difficult job in the world. It doesn't start at nine and end at five. There are no weekends off without extensive planning; no paid leave when the going gets tough. Yet, in spite of the dramatic life change, and obvious drawbacks to our social calendars and financial freedoms, most of us, at some point in our lives decide to have children.
| "Children are bombarded by cultural references of what it means to be a ‘normal’ family..." |
This primal, pro-creational yearning is not confined to heterosexual couples. Same-sex couples also experience the ticking of the biological clock and the need to nurture, or to create a family unit. Our genders don't pre-determine our abilities as parents. However, there's little doubt that, both culturally and legally, same sex families do not experience the same level of acceptance.
There's obvious resistance from religious 'family value' proponents, some of whom believe same-sex parenting dilutes the moral backbone of our society. One of the main criticisms is that 'it's just not natural'. (Neither is IVF treatment!) If we left everything to nature, most of us would be dead at 40. As society evolves then so too must the definition of what it means to be a family.
However, the mother/father family unit has been ensconced in our cultural identity for as long as history cares to remember, and extending the boundaries of what is and isn't normal is not something that happens overnight. Children are bombarded by cultural references of what it means to be a ‘normal’ family and being the child that's different, with either two moms or two dads is not always easy - especially when legal approval is so geographically variable.
In California and New York, same sex-parents can both become legal guardians via adoption, but this isn't a national trend. States such as Florida and New Hampshire prohibit same sex adoption where as other states rely on court rulings, or legal precedents, which often go against gay or lesbian couples. In turn, this only increases the level of prejudice and misunderstanding.
As long as children have a balanced, stable, and loving environment, why should the gender of parents be an issue? There're plenty of kids in abusive and destructive heterosexual relationships. Becoming a parent isn’t an easy decision for same-sex parents: IVF, adoption, legal red-tape, no legal rights in some states, not to mention public misconception, are all major hurdles.
Last year, my nieces came to San Francisco for a summer vacation. During the vacation we visited a woman friend of mine, her female partner and their two kids. After we left, my niece asked about their family unit. I explained that they were a family and that both women were the parents. She thought about the family dynamic, one she was not accustomed to and said, "What does it matter?" she said. "They look like happy kids to me."
And they are.
We can’t all be good parents. Some of us just don’t have the inclination or the emotionally ability to do the job well. But this isn’t a result of gender. It’s about who we are as individuals. And a broader cultural acceptance of same-sex parenting must surely ride in tandem with a comprehensive Federal policy, rather than state-by-state arbitration.
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